To Have and to Hold Sort of
by rhiawoods
Summary: James has a plan. He always has a plan, but this one has a slightly bigger chance to succeed than most. What is this plan? Well, you'll have to read it to find out.


Disclaimer: Bah humbug! Heehee, I don't own that, either.

Note: Before y'all get out your pitchforks, tar and feathers to come after me, let it be know that this is meant as a joke! This isn't how I think it happened, nor do I want it to be this way! It's a joke, born from too many hours pulverizing stones and dirt!

To Have and to Hold- Sort of.

James was explaining his latest plan to his best friend, Sirius, who truly didn't believe his insane idea would work.

"James, it's insane. Lily is much too smart to fall for that!"

"She won't know!"

"Yeah, I think she will."

"But I won't tell her!"

"Do you really think she's that much of an idiot?"

"…"

"Do you really like this girl?"

"…"

"I see, it's just another way to show that you're so cool, you can get anyone to fall for you."

"Yep!"

"Idiot."

"Gee, thanks. I'm off to the library!" James stood, leaving the dumbfounded Sirius behind to mull over what his friend had eaten to make him lose his brains so completely. Down to the library James skipped, ecstatic that he finally had a plan to make Lily Evans, the girl of his dreams fall in love with him.

Wandering down the aisles in the library, James got completely lost. After all, he had never been in there. He had better things to do, being so cool and all. Through many an aisle, he searched, fruitlessly looking through books on every topic under the sun except the one he so desperately wanted.

Finally, after a thousand hours, just when James had reconciled himself to death by books, he spotted someone. A very tall girl who was shelving books and looked like she just might know her way around the library. Maybe.

Pushing all doubts aside, James strode boldly down the aisle. "Hey, you look like just the kind of girl who can help me!" he exclaimed jauntily, just exuding confidence and charm from every pore.

The big girl just looked at him, like a bug she wished very much to squash. "What do you want?" she demanded sullenly.

Feeling the first twinges of doubt, and perhaps a little fear, James was not to be dissuaded. "You look like just the kind of girl who would know where a book on love potions could be found!"

The look the girl was giving him turned even meaner. "Are you suggesting that I need a love potion?" she asked menacingly.

Belatedly, James recognized the girl as one of the Slytherin Beaters. "Aahh… No?"

"Because you'd better not be."

"I'm not! Honest!" James darted glances up and down the aisle, looking for a way to escape the giant of a Slytherin who was approaching him with a distinct look of malice in her eye. Finding none, he gulped and resigned himself to his fate of a bloody nose, at least.

Coming to, after a brief scuffle and a short nap, James focused weakly on a book directly in front of his face. "Enchanting Potions for the Love of Your Life… Perfect." He grabbed the book and jumped up, leaving a few spots of blood on the floor and Madame Pince threatening worse than a bloody nose in the library.

Down the hall, up the stairs and safely ensconced in the Room of Requirement, James read the recipe for a 'Fail-safe Love Potion.' And re-read it, hardly believing the strange ingredients listed. "Yuck," he thought, "who would put French fries, ice-cream and roses in a potion? Urg." He looked around the room, finding all things called for on the shelves, and a cauldron full of butterbeer merrily simmering on daintily dancing flames. "Oh, well. Might as well."

Hours later, James collapsed into his bed, clutching a small vial of bright orange potion to his chest. "Man, mixing love really takes it out of you," he thought, promptly falling asleep.

The next morning dawned bright and early. "My, what a perfect day for a little loving," James thought to himself, trying to pry the fingers of his left hand from the bottle he had clutched all night.

He dressed, paying particular care to his hair, as this was the day that Lily would finally be his. "A little gel here, a little combing there," he sang to himself, ignoring the pounding on the bathroom door from his dear roommates.

Down in the Great Hall, he paused at the door, feeling the triumph of the moment that was sure to come. He scouted the Gryffindor table, found a familiar head of red hair, and skipped across to his dear sweet Lily. He skipped a little too energetically, and accidentally on purpose knocked into Lily's goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Potter, you prat! Get away from me!"

"So sorry, Lily my dear. Allow me to refill that for you." And he did, unbeknownst to her, slipping a little extra into the cup. "Here you go, enjoy as I sit down right next to you."

"You'd better not." Lily took a sip of her love potion laced pumpkin juice. "Actually, Potter, why ever would you sit any where else? I've only just noticed how darling your hair is."

"Oh, really? Do tell."

"And how bright and charming your eyes are."

"The better to see you with, my dear."

"And, oh how strong your arms are!"

"The better to hold you with, Lily my dear."

"Oh, James, forgive me if I ever hurt you!"

"Nothing to worry about. All in the past now!"

"Oh, James, shut up and kiss me, you fool!"

………

Really, I think I sniffed a little too much cyanide in the lab today… a few crucial brain cells seem to be missing. Might I repeat my warning from earlier? It's a joke! You wouldn't really want to hurt someone who's just suffered the loss of many IQ points due to her summer job, now would you? Review please!


End file.
